Today I ate 800 calories, but I burned 240. Sadly the only way I can feel better about myself is when I eat less. I can't let anything get into the way of me reaching my weight goals. My entire happiness depends on it. I get so sad and lonely at night. I reflect on all of my faults and I'm only just hurting myself. In some way I hope when I reach my goal weight, I would stop on reflecting on my faults and the past mistakes I made. I find myself becoming more cynical of people. I consider very few people as "friends", but I like it that way. Last month I decided to cut people off from the "friend" category, and I no longer talk to them nor plan to in the future. Some I'm tired of constantly reaching out to contact them first, and some just reminded me of a past I want to forget. Actually, if I could I'd rather be by myself with no contact with anyone. I wish I could live in a remote ranch house in the desert with just animals and limited access to the internet and media. I think it'd give me lots of time to deeply reflect on myself and my life and find happiness elsewhere than just losing weight. Too bad that wish most likely will not come true.
At least I can say that I'm finally getting over some of my biggest insecurities that made me extremely unhappy; my breasts. Since I was 13, I hated my large breast size and the attention that it caused. Losing weight has helped my bra size decrease (thank God) and I want to see how small it can be. Small breasts will probably make me 50% happier with just my body. Next is my stomach, it disgusts me so much. In the morning, it's actually noticeable that I lost weight in that area, but at the end of the day (after eating) my stomach looks fatter than what it was at my starting weight. I think when I lose 30 or more pounds, my stomach can finally be gone and then that's when I'll feel happier with my body and life.
I need for it to.
