thoughts I

I wish I never allowed myself to gain weight after weight after weight and be at my highest weight ever over 210 pounds.

I wish I did not have so many binges at night in the past.

I wish I maintained the weight loss I achieved in the past and not gain it back plus more.

I wish I had as much dedication as I do now in the past.

I wish I never weighed over 170.

I wish I was already skinny.

I wish I never had bad body image.

I wish my boobs were smaller.

I want to reach my weight goal so bad that it’s killing me mentally and physically. I’m sick of letting myself down by continuing being fat. I have to reach my weight goals for the younger me that had such low self-esteem due to her body; the same younger me that was depressed and miserable in life, that was jealous of her skinny peers because they looked happy and confident and was able to shop and wear clothes that she dreamed of. I need to reach my weight goals so I can finally be happy. I don't ever want to weigh over 150 pounds, and I never ever want to weigh my highest at 215 again in life.

I want to be fully confident, I want to wear the clothes I dream of, 

I want a flat stomach, I want toned legs, I want hip bones, I want happiness. 

why am I always sad?

why do I hate my body?

why do I hurt myself?

why am I here?

i'm so hungry

i love it...

let's see how long i can survive on peanut butter, green tea, and water.

"it wouldn't hurt you to miss a few meals"

i'll never forget those words.

happiness

Today I ate 800 calories, but I burned 240. Sadly the only way I can feel better about myself is when I eat less. I can't let anything get into the way of me reaching my weight goals. My entire happiness depends on it. I get so sad and lonely at night. I reflect on all of my faults and I'm only just hurting myself. In some way I hope when I reach my goal weight, I would stop on reflecting on my faults and the past mistakes I made. I find myself becoming more cynical of people. I consider very few people as "friends", but I like it that way. Last month I decided to cut people off from the "friend" category, and I no longer talk to them nor plan to in the future. Some I'm tired of constantly reaching out to contact them first, and some just reminded me of a past I want to forget. Actually, if I could I'd rather be by myself with no contact with anyone. I wish I could live in a remote ranch house in the desert with just animals and limited access to the internet and media. I think it'd give me lots of time to deeply reflect on myself and my life and find happiness elsewhere than just losing weight. Too bad that wish most likely will not come true.

At least I can say that I'm finally getting over some of my biggest insecurities that made me extremely unhappy; my breasts. Since I was 13, I hated my large breast size and the attention that it caused. Losing weight has helped my bra size decrease (thank God) and I want to see how small it can be. Small breasts will probably make me 50% happier with just my body. Next is my stomach, it disgusts me so much. In the morning, it's actually noticeable that I lost weight in that area, but at the end of the day (after eating) my stomach looks fatter than what it was at my starting weight. I think when I lose 30 or more pounds, my stomach can finally be gone and then that's when I'll feel happier with my body and life.

I need for it to.

Long time no see

2 months later, I had my ups and downs with my weight, but I have not gave up.

 Right now I'm on a diet that's a healthier version of the ABC diet. This diet requires no fasts and I eat at least 700 calories per day.

 I love how my body looks as I get smaller. I love the feelings of pride and happiness I get when old clothes that I couldn't fit in the past due to my heavier weight is now fitting me as I'm losing weight. I love when other people notice my weight loss. I love seeing the number on the scale go down.

Everyday I daydream about how happy and good I'd look when I'm finally thin. I can be like the girls that inspire me, I can wear any clothing I want and feel confident. Being thin is very important to my mental health.